looking back

I'm missing college, really a lot! Not because we had great teachers (we didn't) or that the campus was awesome (it wasn't) I'm missing my friends! At the end of two years, we were just getting bonded so well and that's when the departure came about.

And this is despite all the ups and downs in the friendships, all the misunderstandings and petty issues..all that was a part of it...and that was fine.

I'm also missing them because I'm the one who got left behind, like a soldier left behind in the war field...(kidding!) So it feels even more, when I pass through the street where I used to hang out, or when I pass in front of the college...and the other day I was looking at the scribbling day T-shirt, and that was quite nostalgic! People have really written some very interesting things about me there - lady charmer !? (why not? hehehe)...it cracks me up every time :)

I think it is natural that one will feel this way when the friends one had around suddenly went away one fine day! That's the way it happened...two years we literally ran into each other everywhere...now I have to make new (good) friends, which is not easy, since the set of people I meet regularly is quite small.

Anyway, so this is the deal. I'm coping with it. It's not a life critical situation. But I look at someone and it reminds of a friend from the batch, or I think about watching a movie, and I miss those with whom I really enjoyed watching movies and attending the film festival here...things will not be that way ever again...

near wild heaven...but not near enough!

I want to fall in love so well that the rationale clouds in my head won’t make a difference; the conviction out of it should be stronger than the gravity of a black hole…well, that’s what and how it should be…ideally. And as the legacy of love as such suggests, all the greatest lovers had that conviction, somehow.

It’s not that easy…I can’t override the rational mind and apply my emotions right away, cause at each moment, my rational mind is evaluating my emotions, checking them against a zillion things. WHY?

I hate to be so cautious, but I don’t know any other way.

It also happens because I feel I need to be ‘right’ about everything that I decide. The difference is, I should ‘feel’ the rightness rather than arrive at it or ‘calculate’ it. It is what we call intuition or going by the heart….hmmmm…see, I know how I need to be. Very well indeed, but I am not there yet.

Or is it that love happens despite all these things being there, and somehow your state of mind is a combination of rational and irrational (emotional) outlooks towards that one person…?

I think I need to take a breather and not wreck my brains out over all this…but I’m not thinking of all this out of context…there is a context… and there are constraints…constraints sounds so technical! There are considerations let’s say…, which I must look into. If they call it falling in love, then they should have known that some of us would fall with a parachute, because the impact would be too harsh if one falls anywhere else!

I need the sunrays of clear thought piercing the clouds in my head…

I’m staring in the mirror, and there is a stranger staring right back at me and I hope he tells me something about me that I have not yet known!